Our 1st Visit At The Trustee Camp

About our 1st visit at the Trustee Camp over this past weekend:

As soon as I drove onto the grounds I went through the security checkpoint and detail of showing my drivers license and opening my trunk and letting the guards look under the hood of my car. I was then directed to follow the road path to the trustee camp portion of the entire unit. It was somewhat strangely welcoming to visitors entering the parking lot outlined with shade trees.

I parked and did my routine of carrying in my coins plastic bag with my drivers license and keys and a thin blouse  just in case the rule of [not] revealing my shoulders applied here too; it did.
As soon as I was walking up to the Trustee Camp gate entrance, I could see other trustees outside walking around freely and noticeably [not] all in some tight formation with guards.

I noticed how quiet it was but the guys were just moving around like in a little community.  My eyes instantly looked to see if maybe my sweet husband Curt might be walking around. He wasn't.  I got to the gate and rang the doorbell. I waited about 2 minutes and thought maybe I didn't ring it right lol, when suddenly this female voice said kind of roughly : "Hold on!! I am coming!" Immediately I said : "Ohhh I'm sorry, it's my 1st time here..." She began to giggle and say: "Ohhh No no sweetie! I was only kidding. I am a joking kind of person...You're alright. "

I relaxed again and smiled as she let me through and escorted me to the entrance of the Trustee Camp Visitation area. It's also the main entrance to the administration area. In there I checked in with my drivers license again and went through the simple pat search procedure and noticed the lovely Texas Tech mural on the wall and inquired about the picture taking schedule. Every weekend I was told. So I paid for 1 picture.

I was then told to enter the visiting room and seat myself where I pleased! Not common practice on regular units. 10 minutes later my sweet husband Curt walked in smiling from ear to ear! He looked refreshed and just GOOD! I breathed in his cologne as we held each other a good moment and then of course his kisses made me forget where we were at lol! 10 minutes later we were called to do our picture here.

About 45 minutes into our visit I saw a man walk in- you could tell he was someone with ranking authority. Turns out it was the major who was instrumental in Curt's job placement under the warden, a trust based position at the Rudd Unit and who pulled Curt to the side and said he didn't seem to belong in there and later recommending he try to get approved for State Trustee Status etc as I mentioned before.

He came to our table and greeted my husband saying "How's it going Mr. Sowell". Then my husband said "Major, this is my wife Leann.." The major shook my hand and greeted me. We had a brief little chat of my thank you's for his discreet hand in Curt's placement on 2 units. He said: "Your husband strikes me as a good guy...all things considered. "He at one point said to me: "You made quite an impression with the staff at the Rudd Unit Mrs. Sowell. I heard nice things about you.!" He told us to enjoy our visit and left.

We enjoyed our visit so much! When I left my husband got to walk outside with me and watch me get into my car. He was saying : "Drive home safely Princess. "

It was a hugely much more relaxed setting! When I got home I walked in and the 1st thing that a dear friend here where I now live said was: "Look at you! You're glowing! " Then he hugged me :)

It's That One Percent Though

99% of the time I'm feeling great, super, or seemingly able to run life's marathon. But being human like the next person out there, there's the need for a period of a time out. I'll never ask for permission, acceptance or forced understanding of that need. Be it health issue related, stress issue related or just simple fatigue. I will and do take my time outs.

This morning I had to actually tell someone AGAIN that I need no permission for my occasional need of a time out. I went on to firmly say that unless someone is paying my bills (and trust me, no one is paying my bills... I've got that sewn up so tight) or steadily putting food on a table for me (no one does that for me either nor does anyone have to, I do that for myself with ease because that's just who I am as a person) or carrying my specific load or dealing with everything that I am dealing with personally.
..
That for ANYONE to QUESTION me about how I manage everything or anything, isn't appropriate. I reiterated that this person needs to go "Sit down somewhere and get your own self together!" I've got my own plate! 

If the worse thing that anyone can complain about me is my occasional need for a time out, then the problem is the simple minded complainer. As much as I personally enjoy having a great time with people... I'm most certainly NOT the Great Entertainer in any circle. I have quite a load on my plate. So pardon me if I cannot cater to anyone else's constant expectations of me being a always Up in air balloon of sprinkled sugar and gum drops! Lol!

This morning my husband said: "There will always be that one percent of people who are always going to expect from you more than they themselves are ever even willing to give you in the area of simple understanding alone. Shake them off Princess and keep on doing your own best to cope with what we are going through. It's almost over baby. " 

While the rest of the world turns, I am turning with it! Only my greatest burden isn't the scores of a football game, money matters, or a good or bad day at work. My husband is in the penitentiary and our lives have been majorly uprooted on so many levels.

I am not always going to be able to float across the air all starry eyed and chipper. So Time Out... it's my way to rinse and do what I need to do for me! We are never ever any good to anyone else if we're not good to ourselves FIRST! 

Only a small minded, self-centered person would have a problem with this

The Sponge People

Lol!!! I have been reflecting and meditating on something my husband Curt has been gently reminding me to stay on my toes about. He calls them the "Sponge People".


What does he mean by sponge people??

* People who are really [only] genuinely interested in what they can get out of you! Most commonly in the monetary sense.

* People who only contact you, smile greatly at you when they want something from you.

* People who will pinch every penny [they have] but dare to expect you to come off of your own pennies...and they think you are too [sweet-nice-gullible] to even see the trend.

* People who are truthfully [stingy] by [nature]. 

Once he said: "Aww Princess... I left my baby in a sea of sponge people." 

My reply: "Ohhh but I can handle this problem [anytime] I choose to toss out a STALE SPONGE Baby! LOL!"

You can underline, explain over and over in both a gentle way or an occasionally abrasive way too to these Sponge People the thing about boundaries and or the simple philosophy of moral decency in engaging others as you'd like to be engaged. And well, some folks STILL don't get it!

Why?? Because there REALLY are Sponge People!! I know this now... And I know it more profoundly since my sweet husband Curt left.

How do you/I best handle the Sponge People: That is simple really.
I handle them often like one would handle a horse. And I am not your experienced equestrian I promise you that!

But you don't have to be an equestrian to know how or when to pull on the reins. I am [always] in control! Add a little bit of patience and a sharp eye on the BIGGER picture...And strategy. I am a [very] strategic person!

I meditate on the little blips along my path and meditate enough to also know that I would rather [teach] someone the error of their own ways with me while there is still [time] to do so. People taking people's kindness for granted is a major turn off to me. So are people who clearly take advantage of others...even in the smallest way.

Sponge People come in the form of either friends or family unfortunately. But I am a firm believer that every dog has it's day-ok well, not dog. The Sponge People... One day they will truly be in NEED and the very people they should be able to turn to are going to hide from them- The Sponge People.

Behind every moment of adversity two things are going to happen; there's a lesson and a blessing. But you have to ride through the adversity to get to the lesson and the blessing.

So I received these beautiful 2 letters in the mail from my sweet husband Curt today. All I could do was smile inside and out because I have seen this sweet husband of mine making major strides in his personal development as a man; My Man" across the years and then this situation that we've been navigating through together for some time now, he continues to be and focus on being such a GREAT and humble husband. He was baptized at our church before he turned himself in to face all of this. He is a praying man! A gentle-natured but strong man too! I cherish these letters as these are another way that we can continue to grow together

This set of circumstances has only brought us closer to each other. Thank you God for your GRACE in the times of Adversity. #ForBetterOrWorse

Last nights reading and meditation between my sweet husband Curt and I as we have been following up in our mail since our last visit last Saturday, on the subject of the true meaning of "For better or for worse..." Our visits, our talks...the moments in between the time and space we are walking through together only weaves us closer and tighter together.  I emailed this to him last night with this picture graphic I created for him to go along with the reading. I hand wrote him a letter too which went out this morning... We ARE doing this TIME together! For better or for worse we are doing this together!

Commitment- What is the Meaning of: For Better or for Worse

By John Hutchison

Just think about the meaning of the words in our wedding vows—“for better or for worse . . . in plenty and in want . . . in joy and in sorrow . . .in sickness and in health . . . as long as we both shall live.”

What a commitment we make in that moment of time, with “God and these witnesses” listening! Are these just empty words of tradition, or do they represent a genuine promise of commitment? The longevity and quality of your marriage depends upon it!

Commitment is a mindset . . . an attitude . . . a way of thinking that will enable you and your spouse to navigate through the still waters and the storms of a marriage relationship.

Charles Swindoll (Strike the Original Match) compares working on marriage to remodeling a house:

It takes longer than you planned

It costs more than you figured

It is messier than you anticipated

It requires greater determination than you expected

Sometimes the only thing that keeps us going is hope!

Commitment is especially important when we face the inevitable conflicts that come in any marriage (or for that matter any relationship). While many today write into their divorce documents, “Irreconcilable differences,” God calls us to a higher kind of LOVE to resolve these differences. Our English word “love,” in fact, is incapable of capturing the most important aspects of this love of commitment.

Think about it. In a casual conversation I could say . . . I love playing golf . . . I love my grandkids . . . I love my dog . . . I love reading history . . . I love my wife (not in any order of priority!).

And, as diverse as these are, you still know what I mean by all of them. The Greeks (original language of the New Testament) had four primary words for love, each of them emphasizing different aspects of this complex idea. Storge, though not a word found in the New Testament, was a general love of natural affection. Eros represented a love of physical attraction, of passion, a self-centered love seeking pleasure and satisfaction. Phileo was the love of friendship and companionship. All of these words were used in Greek & Roman literature to depict various aspects of love, and they had one thing in common—if circumstances changed love might change and fade away.

Agape represented the love of choice and commitment. It is a word rarely used outside of Scripture, but in the Bible over 320 times! This love is not dependent on the qualities of the one loved, or even on circumstances. It seems to be a love that has its origins in God—“We love because God first loved us.” (1 John 4:19) This is the love our hearts crave.

Even though we did not deserve it, God loved and will always love us in this way (Romans 5:5-8). This is the love that is commanded in our relationships--“A new command I give you: Love one another; as I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34; 14:17). This is the love that is described in 1 Cor 13:4-7: “Love (agape) is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” When I officiate in a wedding ceremony, I always encourage the couple to include these words as a reminder of the fact that love is not just something we feel, but also something we do! Agape in marriage is the commitment a man and woman make to one another. This becomes especially important when the storms of life come . . . and they will!

What are some of the barriers in relationships that work against building this kind of commitment? Here are just a few factors that may be present in any marriage that undermine unconditional commitment:

Self-centeredness and stubbornness. Put simply, we are sinners, and central to our sinfulness is the choice of self-gratification. Several years ago a young man shared his personal story with an adult Sunday School group I was teaching. He had asked my permission to “bare his soul” before his friends. He shared that he had been having an affair for two years, and had now repented before the Lord and was seeking the forgiveness of his wife. You could have heard a pin drop in the room as we were all asked to become an “accountability group” for this young man.

Their marriage was restored, and his story revealed that his own selfishness, self-gratification, and stubbornness had been at the root of the problem. Only commitment to his wife brought them back to a healthy marriage.

Spiritual and Emotional “baggage” from the past. Past experiences, especially unresolved sins or habit patterns, will haunt any marriage relationship and prevent intimacy and commitment. Bitterness toward God or others . . . inability to fully know forgiveness for a past sin . . . all of these emotional/spiritual handicaps will seriously limit the depth of commitment we can make. We must deal with these before God, and sometimes the help of a skilled Christian counselor can be just the thing we need.

Lack of clarity about the true meaning of marriage. This is another kind of “baggage.” If you have never seen an example of a healthy marriage, either in family or friendship circles, you will have a difficult time finding that for yourself.

Busy-ness. Most couples do not allow enough meaningful time spent together to nurture their commitment.

Poor communication skills. I want to elaborate more on this point in my next blog, but commitment includes expression to your spouse. How I do that (or fail to do so) is crucial in a healthy marriage.

Though I am not a professional counselor, as a pastor and professor I have sometimes met with couples who are struggling in their marriage relationship.

When counseling with them, there is one factor that becomes evident very quickly, and this factor will almost always determine the destiny of their marriage. If a couple is committed to one another—that somehow we can make this work—there is a good chance the marriage will survive because agape never fails! If, however, one or both accept divorce as a possible choice to be made, the outcome is often exactly that. God is a redemptive God, and capable of bringing healing to any crisis. But his agape works most effectively in the hearts of those who trust him and are willing to commit themselves to one another.

Catching Up...

So it has been nearly 18 months since I have actually been able to sit down and spend time in the online focused jounaling of mine and my husband Curt's life together. So much has happened... I have since relocated to West Texas with one of our furkids, our youngest basset hound Gabby Lynn, been placed on blood pressure medication for fear of a second stroke   since my last TIA stroke in February of 2015. Let's see I sold our house and had to temporarily place our 2 oldest basset hounds Benny and Dewey in homes across the map with friends until I can really secure the timing to bring all 3 of my furkids under one roof with me until their" Papa" Curt comes home... That is still a fluid situation.The transition to West Texas has been a mind, heart and spirit shaping experience that's for sure!  But that's another subject to share later...  Anyhow, my sweet husband and I are going strong and steady despite the circumstances.

So fast forward from my last entry here...

Got a lot of reading, writing and some good journaling done last night for mine and Curt's online private Life Together Journal. Also arranging more of our discussed planning for the next steps ahead in this whole journey of his incarceration I also ordered him and I our next shared reading book that we're going to be reading together.

Last night I got one of the most amazing, deeply touching, heart and soul felt letters from him. It's amazing the strength and intimacy that has only become more developed between us as each day passes. We're strategizing each and every step together and we're making sure to [check our fences] along the way.

We were talking last night that our situation is definitely not one for the weak at heart, spirit or mind. It's a situation that challenges everything that most people would consider to be [normal] and bearable where the institution of MARRIAGE is concerned.

I'm often sent a private message or text or phone call, asking me how I/we do it... How do I not just cave in and go nuts or have a complete breakdown??

Well, it not a cut and dry answer really. Instead it's literally ONE DAY at a time and a solid determination of WILL, to hang onto one thing... The promise we made to each other the day we were married : "For better or for worse..."

That promise along with our personal characters that are definitely both BOLD in nature when challenges big or small come our way, individually speaking and as a couple. Strip us of our personal possessions and we're still a couple who are deeply devoted, in love and flat out crazy about each other. Add to that that we're both naturally focused on sharp thinking as a team... Bottom line, Giving up isn't ever an option. Anyone who truly knows me personally KNOWS that I am a fighter!
Thank goodness I married one too in my husband Curt.

Every day he and I are faced with challenges....each in our own current environments... We face these believe it or not with a quiet strategy of maintaining the most important thing between us -A strong and unshakeable shared FAITH in God and our Love and grip for the whole of our marriage and each other.

Quiet time and space. . He constantly reminds me to TAKE MY TIME for my personal need in that specific area.  Contrary to what most people would assume... This situation is definitely not A Walk In The Park There are often mind numbing aspects to all this that I quietly deal with on a daily basis.... But dealing with it I do...We do together. 

One day my sweet husband Curt is going to walk out those gates and back into my arms and we're going to take some Time and Space away from everyone and everything possible and as he said last night: "Recharge our ONE Battery together. "

In the meantime here lately, I'm working on recharging my own battery and slowly doing some trimming of my personal hedges where somethings are concerned...

I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone! But this situation is unfortunately our raw reality together. And there's only one way through it... And that is TOGETHER liberally at all costs!